Newsletter #1: It's Finally Good

BYE BYE, CHIP

Hi! It’s me, Ryan Stegman, the new owner of this dumb newsletter for idiots. Chip lost the rights to the newsletter when he tried to steal my podcast. It’s a long story. I don’t really want to be here writing this asinine thing, I already have a podcast that is making me millions of dollars (Steg-Man and his Amazing Friends) AND the highest selling comic of all-time (Absolute Carnage). But I’m hoping to trick win you guys over and have you come over and be my superfans. Will you be the dumbest fans I have? Most likely. But that’s okay. Dumb money is still money. 

WHAT’S NEW WITH RYAN

This week Absolute Carnage #4 is out! It’s badass. Do you like, oh, I don’t know, Venom Hulk fighting Carnage? Hm, what about sick art and rad story? If you answered yes to these questions, then Absolute Carnage is for you. I don’t NEED your sales (we will probably do like 8 printings of this) but if you don’t want to be ridiculed tomorrow at your “job” or at school or by your mom when she comes down to yell at you for playing too many video games you should probably read it.

WHAT ELSE IS NEW

I am going to be making some lavish purchases in the near future. IDK. Probably gonna invest in a fur coat, maybe get some of those gold-plated chicken wings that everyone on Twitter got so mad about. The bottom line is, your precious Chip is now in jail (I think) and I’m rich and handsome. So you might as well be my fans now. 

RYAN ANSWERS QUESTIONS

Every week I’ll answer one POLITE and RESPECTFUL question about my life as a podcaster or about my work. The email is ryanstegman@beef.cake

Hi Ryan,

You’re one of the greats! 

Best,
Barack Obama

Ugh, my first one of these and one of Chip’s moronic fans can’t tell the difference between a question and a comment. Oh well, thanks for the kind words, Barack.

Sensually Yours,

Ryan