A Christmas Story

#sponsored by #Amazon

A couple of weeks ago three Amazon packages showed up on the doorstep of Zdarsky Manor. I immediately flew into a rage because I assumed my wife was ordering self-help books for me about my anger issues again. But, the name on the packages wasn’t hers or mine or any of my various aliases. Now, me being me, I didn’t give a shit about getting these packages back to their rightful person, but my wife is clinically nice. So, she set out trying to find the real recipient, in case these were Christmas gifts that needed to find their home under a tree somewhere.

Google didn’t turn up anything on the person’s name, but the street we live on has a very similar name to a nearby street, so it was possible that it was meant for that address. So, my wife suggested we go and see. I said that I was too busy writing Batman, and she once again pointed out that isn’t a real job, but I already had my noise-cancelling headphones in so she went by herself.

The woman at the house was confused by my wife’s niceness and a little put out by having to answer her door, but the packages were not hers. So, my wife decided to bring the packages to the post office, hoping to return them. But, of course, the packages were delivered through Amazon so she was laughed out of the building.

She brought the packages back home to find me playing Batman video games “for research,” and decided that her final step was to just call Amazon to see what should be done. The person who helped her looked into the account that ordered the packages and noted that the account was suspended, so there was no chance of re-routing the packages back to them.

“So what should we do?” my wife asked the Amazon employee.

“You can open the packages and keep what’s inside or donate them.”

Okay, now I was interested. We don’t really exchange presents for Christmas, but suddenly there were three presents in front of us that could be literally anything.

So, that night, we each took one of the bubble-wrapped envelopes and opened them with fear and wonder. The box inside mine was very nondescript.

And then I opened it.

Words can’t begin to describe the absolute joy I felt in that moment, holding a solid, yet wobbly, pink dildo. It could have been anything in that Amazon package, but I can’t think of a single item that would have made me that happy upon its reveal.

My wife opened her package and it turned out to be some sort of sleeve for masturbation from Malaysia that I knew way too much about already. And the third package? Some AAA batteries, which were not required for either of the previous items.

Times are dark out there, and things are rough. The world is on fire and it doesn’t look like it’s letting up anytime soon. But there are still miracles in this world, and this … was my holiday miracle.

I hope your season is similarly blessed.

IF THAT’S YOUR THING

Of course! If that’s your thing.

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In incredibly important comic book movie news, I’ve been alerted to this rumor going around:

Obviously I don’t have any insider knowledge of this. I am widely known as an untrustworthy individual, so the only secrets Marvel trust me with are ones like the passcode for their washroom (“4766”). But even still the rumour is VERY exciting! So much so that I’ve just gone ahead and put this sign outside my house:

Is 2024 finally the year of Chip??

NO

But maybe a little bit??

MAYBE

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For anyone who wants to watch and hear me talk Batman, etc., I had a fun conversation with Sal the other day, involving zero dildos:

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I hope everyone out there has a happy holiday. Working on some changes to this here old newsletter for the new year, but rest assured it will still deliver terrible #content right to your e-door and there probably won’t be more dildos involved.

Love,
Chip!