Newsletter #16: Pray 4 Chip

Petition to rename regular Yoda "Old Yoda" and Baby Yoda just "Yoda"

IS CHIP DEAD

Following up on last week’s update, here’s Japan trip, Part Two:

and Japan trip, Part Three:

So, yeah. I’m dead.

SO YE SHALL RECEIVE HONOURS INTO DEATH

Hey! That’s cool! Comics Beat named DAREDEVIL and WHITE TREES in their BEST COMICS OF 2019!

The art teams on these books are the real stars, but I will still be keeping the cash award.

WHAT ELSE IS NEW WITH CHIP

This week DAREDEVIL #14 is out! Featuring a pulse-pounding cup of coffee! Plus, DAREDEVIL: NO DEVILS, ONLY GOD, our second collection! I’ve heard rumours that this is one of the best comics of 2019 so you should probably check it out.

BUT SERIOUSLY ARE YOU OKAY

I am very jetlagged and, yes, a little sick still. So, this newsletter is kind of short, I’m sorry. I wish I could give you the content you crave 24/7, but I’m just a man.

FUCK OFF

Wow, maybe take it down a notch?

SORRY I JUST LOVE CONTENT

Apology accepted.

CHIP ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS

Every week I’ll answer one POLITE and RESPECTFUL question about my life as a comicker or ghost. The email is zdarskyletters@gmail.com.

Will you be winning any new awards in the near future?

-Mark Waid

Hi Mark, thanks for the question.

Yeah, probably.

Best,
Chip

BONUS HUNK CONTENT

photo by Deb Aoki

Newsletter #15: Pirate Me, Daddy

I told her she stole my heart but she rightly pointed out it was just a copy

DID CHIP WIN/BUY ANY AWARDS THIS WEEK

No

DOES CHIP HAVE ANY NEW BOOKS OUT THIS WEEK

No

IS CHIP SPIRALING AS A RESULT

Yes

OKAY SO WHAT’S NEW THEN

I’m in Japan! I had a lovely time at Tokyo Comic Con. Everyone loves Spider-Man and Howard The Duck and nobody wanted to see them kiss, which is the only way I sketch them.

Also, I’m quite sick. But it doesn’t stop me from helping my friend Chris and his branded content!


OKAY BUT DO YOU HAVE ANY HOT TAKES THIS WEEK

Yes! It seems that “comics twitter” turned to the subject of pirating comics! A very fraught issue! So, to clear things up, here’s my nuanced take on it:

Pirating comics is like coming to my house and ringing the doorbell. I answer it in my housecoat as it’s 9:30 PM and therefore half an hour after my normal bedtime. But I just had to stay awake in order to drink a tall glass of milk without mother (my wife) knowing (though she always smells it on my breath, no matter how hard I brush!).

Anyway, there you are at my door. You tell me you just need to come in for a second to use my washroom. A simple “number one.” So I say “sure,” because who hasn’t been in that position before? And also, you smell good. Like milk.

But once you come in, you grab a framed photo of my son, Wolverine, from the mantle and put it in your backpack. I shriek, and you respond by kicking me in the nuts. Boy that hurts! I collapse to the floor as you walk around the living room. You grab some more framed photos of my beautiful boy, tossing them into a bag. You grab one last photo and say, “Hm, this is a nice one. I may just photocopy it and hand it out around town.” I shriek and leap into action, taking a swing at you, but I’m a writer, so my punch misses by roughly two feet.

“Not my Canadian son!” I cry as I land on a couch, exhausted from attempting a punch. “He did nothing to you! He’s a good boy and, frankly, brings in a fair amount of cash to our household with his child modelling!”

You look at me with your shark eyes and say, “Well, he’ll surely bring you even more money once I’ve shown him off to the entire town.”

”That’s not how it works!” I yell. “I mean, maybe it does! But it sure doesn’t feel like it!” You laugh and kick me in my chest. I wait for my wife to come downstairs with L’il Debbie, her semi-automatic shotgun, but she never does. She loves sleeping through my beatings.

You grab a few more photos of my rough yet tender boy, some really well-composed shots, some blurry and maybe taken quickly because I had a lot of other sons to photograph that week. I cry, “This is wrong! These aren’t yours!” You turn and grin.

“Didn’t you break into the house down the street and steal a photo of Blink-182?”

I fumble through some memories until I finally respond. “Well, yeah. But I used to … used to own a photo of Blink-182. So it’s like … like I was just … re-owning it…”

You open the door to head outside and I ask you why. Why come into my home and steal photos of my sweet, hairy boy? You smile and say, “Because I wanted them. And I didn’t want to pay for them. Besides, was I ever really here?” I turn around and all the photos are back on my mantel. But the robber’s bag is still full.

“I don’t understand. You can steal from me just because … you want to?”

“It’s really rather simple,” you say. And then you give me a lecture for an hour about life under capitalism and copyright. About art and freedom of information and libraries and loss leaders and the dark web and the normal web. My head is spinning because I’m stupid. And then, just like that, you’re gone.

I stand up just as my beautiful wife (mother) comes downstairs to start her day. “What happened here?” she asks without any hint of wanting an answer. But I tell her anyway. She shrugs and pours herself a coffee.

“Sounds like quite the night,” she says as she flips through some bills. “Though it’s weird you kept calling Wolverine your son.”

“Wait, what?”

“Anyway, these bills are past due and the bank is going to take the house. I’m leaving you.”

SO, JETLAG, EH

Yeah

AND YOU’RE SICK

Sure

SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW

Well, with the holiday season coming up, things aren’t looking so well for Spider-Man: Life Story on Amazon.com, so I guess you should go buy it from your local comic shop.

OK COOL WHAT ELSE

Sex Criminals! Issue 26 is done! Issue 27 is almost done! And the final collection is available for pre-orders! What a world, man. What a world. I hope you don’t steal it.

CHIP ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS

Every week I’ll answer one POLITE and RESPECTFUL question about my life as a comicker or thief. The email is zdarskyletters@gmail.com.

Do you have to clear the contents of this newsletter with Marvel or do you just operate under the assumption that they knew what they were getting into when they hired you?

Love,
Kyle Johnson

Oh fuck.

Newsletter #14: Once Bitten, Never Shy

"I love deadlines. I like the whoosing sound they make as they fuck me." -Douglas Adams?

THANK YOU MARVEL

Well, I received a really nice treat in the mail this week! Apparently my page in MARVEL COMICS #1000, the 80th anniversary special, was deemed to be the best of all the contributions, so I was awarded this one of a kind coin! It was an honour to be part of such a momentous project, but it’s even bigger honour to be the best in the book, and therefore the best in the industry. Excelsior!

WHAT’S NEW WITH CHIP

Well, I’m flying to Tokyo tomorrow! I’ll be at TOKYO COMIC CON for Friday only, sketchin’ and doodlin’ in Artist Alley! The last time I was in Japan was over 15 years ago, and my future was foretold by some local wildlife, whose bite turned my hair grey and gave me the power to write Howard The Duck. What will this happen this time? Who knows! But I will be bit.

OKAY BUT WHAT’S NEW THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE BITING

Afterlift issue two is out! It’s an all-out action issue and Jason and Paris make it shine! They’re so good!

Screen Rant has a preview of it here! But really you should just go buy it here. Support afterlife car comics! So they can take over the world and Martin Scorsese can be upset about it!


WHAT’S NEW WITH NOT CHIP

Well, my Afterlift collaborator Jason Loo has two more books out this week! If you loved The Tick or Scott Pilgrim or just fun, smart comics, you should pick up Pitiful Human Lizard, the first two volumes of which are out today! They’re delightful!

In fact, I wrote a foreward for one of them! Here are the first few paragraphs to wet your whistle (ugh what a saying)

When you think of the words “super hero,” what first comes to mind? Probably Superman, I’d imagine. But besides Superman, what comes to mind. Batman? Okay, sure. But besides those two, what comes to mind? Well, Spider-Man, definitely. After Spider-Man it’s probably Wonder Woman and Iron Man; Black Widow, Wolverine, Aquaman, Storm, Luke Cage, Daredevil, The Flash, Captain America or Captain Marvel.

You’d probably then think of Cyclops, Thor, Green Lantern, Black Canary, Colossus, the other Captain America, the other Green Lantern, the other other Green Lantern, Iceman, young Iceman. Possibly a few dozen others.

But what if I narrowed it down and asked: what do you think of when you hear the words “Toronto super hero?” Well, now it gets specific. You probably think of Scott Pilgrim. But that’s wrong, because he’s technically not a super hero. The book and subsequent movie were definitely magic realism, influenced by superhero comics and video games, but I would say you’re incorrect to think of him when you hear “Toronto super hero.”

Sure, okay, Drake. Ha ha, I get it. Yes, he feels a bit like a comic book character, but you’re just being an asshole now thinking of him. Look, you’re reading The Pitiful Human Lizard right this moment! It boggles the mind that his name hasn’t popped into your head by now! You’ve literally purchased this collection!


Speaking of great takes on superheros, if you’re not checking out Runaways, you’re really missing out! Rainbow Rowell is weaving amazing stories and Friend of the Newsletter Kris Anka is back guesting on pencils and designing some top-notch superhero costumes, while also skewering said costumes! Go get it! Run … toward this book (good one, Chip)!


CHIP ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS

Every week I’ll answer one POLITE and RESPECTFUL question about my life as a comicker or relentless promoter. The email is zdarskyletters@gmail.com.


What does Chip do to unwind from his busy life of dominating comics? 

- Your biggest fan in the Mountain State James.

Hi James, thanks for the question.

I think about sex and sometimes do sex.

Best,
Chip

Newsletter #13: Better Go See The Eye Dentist After All This Eye Candy

Okay DC, hear me out. It's THE JOKER, right? But he's got a very tiny mouth

WHAT’S NEW IN HUNK NEWS

Look, first of all, calm the fuck down. Yes, Marvel Comics put out a video last week of me sensually answering reader questions about Daredevil. But, sadly, they used an audio filter that made my voice nasally and weak, like the slurry sound of a toddler with a drinking problem who’s also fighting a nasty cold. I told them to remove the filter, but they only ever respond to my emails when they need something.

I am aging like a fine wine, even though the label on the wine says “PREMIUM CHUGGO BLEND.”

WHAT’S NEW WITH CHIP

Ah! Our PENULTIMATE ISSUE of INVADERS is out this week! It’s CAST AWAY but with Captain America! And instead of Wilson the volley ball, he gets to talk to Namor the Sub-Mariner! Things go as expected.

Hm, maybe selling an issue with “things go as expected,” is why INVADERS is ending at issue 12. For fuck’s sake! Learn to sell yourself, Chip!

As always, there’s a preview floating around out there, but I highly recommend you skip it and just read the issue as GOD INTENDED. Carlos, Butch and Alex outdid themselves on the art.

YEAH THEY’RE REALLY GOOD WHAT ELSE

Oh hey! I’ll be at Tokyo Comic Con! One day only! November 22nd! Want to keep a low profile, so I’ll be there under my pseudonym’s pseudonym, “Chip Zadesky!” He’s just like me, but he’s 15% zadder!


WHAT’S NEW WITH NOT CHIP

My dear, dear friend Ed Brubaker and even dearer friend Sean Phillips and his dear son Jacob Phillips have the gorgeous KILL OR BE KILLED deluxe hardcover out this week! It’s 624 pages, which feels like a bit much, but if that’s how they want to live their lives, who am I to judge? I’ve been assured that this deluxe version finally answers the question “Kill? Or be killed?” so it’s definitely worth buying a copy for grandma for Christmas.

WHAT’S NEW IN VADEROLOGY

A friend slid into my DMs this week with an extremely difficult question. But I answered it, because I am a good person and very helpful.

CHIP ANSWERS OTHER QUESTIONS

Every week I’ll answer one POLITE and RESPECTFUL question about my life as a podcaster or about my handsomeness. The email is zdarskyletters@gmail.com.

Hi Chip,

Thank you for your "contributions" to "society".

If you were a professional wrestler, what would your wrestling name and signature move be?

Ta,

Russell

Oakland, CA

Hi Russell, thanks for the question.

My wrestling name would be “Chip Rock” and I would perch on The Rock’s shoulder and he would say “I’ve got a Chip on my shoulder” and then he would toss me at his opponents.

But, my signature move—once The Rock has defeated our opponent with my body—would be to “signature move” them, by literally signing their back or chest with a Sharpie while my manager, “The CGC Witness,” watched with the eyes of an eagle. The CGC Witness would then take my signed opponent and slab them between giant pieces of plastic, assigning a number grade based on how strong or pitiful an opponent they were.

Thanks,
Chip

P.S. Stegman is a CGC 1.2.

Newsletter #12: Marvel, Cinema?

Honestly, if I opened a wrestling themed bar I'd call it NO HOLDS BAR

ARE MARVEL COMICS CINEMA

(the below is excerpted from my op-ed in the New York Times)

A bunch of people are debating this question: Are Marvel Comics cinema? In a lot of ways, it’s a question that defines our times, which are stupid. Now, I’m clearly an expert on Marvel Comics, but I also happen to consider myself an expert when it comes to cinema, having watched many movies. In fact, if you ever go with me to see a movie, you’ll soon discover my expertise as I regale you with really interesting movie trivia throughout the screening (“That parking lot was also featured in Deadpool 2 as a digital recreation.” “That actor was in the previous scene.”).

So, who better than me to wade in on this topic? There are a lot of things to consider, so bear with me as I hit my word count.

First of all, comics don’t move unless you physically move them yourself. Cinema does. In fact, it’s one of its defining characteristics. Cinema is like watching moving and talking giants trapped in a box. Whereas comics are like tiny, frozen people trapped in different boxes.

Second of all, you need to read comics. Cinema doesn’t require reading. I know what you’re thinking. “But Chip, what about movies with subtitles?” Well, you got me there. Or did you? I don’t believe that movies with subtitles are movies. In fact, I like to call them “motion comics.”

But what about the similarities? Fifty percent of Marvel comic books feature Spider-Man, and fifty percent of movies also feature Spider-Man. A movie ticket costs fifteen bucks. So does a Marvel comic. Both are consumed with popcorn. I know that these examples make it seem like Marvel comics and cinema are interchangeable, but ask yourself this: are they? No, they’re not.

Thank you.

WHAT’S NEW WITH CHIP

This week DAREDEVIL #13 comes out! It’s the one where Wilson Fisk wins the County Fair Pie Eating Contest, but at what price?

Marco and Nolan make beautiful images. You can really feel the burden of winning that contest here:

And hey! There’s a beautiful hardcover Italian Artist Edition of issue one in black & white! Apparently you can order it?!


COOL COOL I LOVE ITALY WHAT ELSE

Well, readers are digging AFTERLIFT, my new book at ComiXology! A lot of people are spreading the rumour that issue one is sold out, but I’m here to tell you that’s actually impossible because ComiXology swore to me that they created hundreds of thousands of files to meet digital demand. So, go check it out!

Also, UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY #1 comes out this week! It’s the hot new Image book from the scoundrel Charles “I’m a Lawyer I Swear” Soule” and friends. I did a variant cover, which you can get here! It’s RARE or something.


OKAY COOL SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW IN YOUR WORLD OF CEASELESS PROMOTION

Glad you asked! I was on WAR ROCKET AJAX again! Last time I was on, I coined the hot new phrase, “chomp and suck,” so check it out and see if I outdo that!

CHIP ANSWERS QUESTIONS

Every week I’ll answer one POLITE and RESPECTFUL question about my life as a cinephile or about my work. The email is zdarskyletters@gmail.com.

Do you have bigger muscles than Ryan Stegman? The fans need to know!

-Brody 

Thanks for the question, Brody. I like to make sure that my newsletter is always honest, because you, the fans, deserve that. So, it saddens me to tell you that my muscles are not as big as Ryan’s. But, if you’ve ever sent him a single text and he responded, you’ll know that his muscles are not in the right places. His pectorals are incredibly high, and his abs are spread apart, like the solar system. His biceps live up to their name as each arm has two of them. I know your instinct right now is to laugh, but it’s not funny. I’m actually pretty worried about him.

Also, interestingly enough, famed Venom writer Donny Cates has bigger muscles than even Ryan, on account of having to lift him up for the past couple of years.

Take Care,
Chip


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