Newsletter #26: Quickie

"I miss human touch" -me, 2005-now

Hey! Just a quick one today!

WHY? BECAUSE YOU’RE SO BUSY

I … don’t … please don’t be like that

SORRY

I just wanted to get this in under the wire!

I’m auctioning off a PERSONALIZED EROTIC STORY AND ZOOM READING! The end of the auction is at noon EST, and a very nice person currently has the high bid of $420.69, in honour of the fact that the auction ends on 4/20 and they had an extra sixty-nine cents in their pocket? I don’t know.

ANYHOO, the money goes toward helping independent bookstores and comic shops, so I’m really hoping to get this up to $4,269.60 by noon.

And, like I always say just prior to a sexual encounter, “I’ll be real erotic, I swear. This is for charity.”

THAT’S NICE, I GUESS

The other quick thing I wanted to mention is CHIP ZDARSKY’S GUIDE TO ENTERTAINMENT CONSUMPTION DURING QUARANTINE, my new article over at IGN (Internet Geeks, Nerds)! They asked me what I was consuming during this time besides double stuff Oreos and I happily obliged. GO CHECK IT OUT HERE!

AS ALWAYS, THE CHIP ZDARSKY NEWSLETTER SEEMS A LITTLE TOO HEAVY ON THE “CHIP ZDARSKY”

Hm, it is true that even people who like me also hate me, so here’s some NON-Chip news: There’s a cool new digital comic out from Panel Syndicate called FRIDAY! It’s beautifully illustrated by Marcos Martin and Muntsa Vicente and is written by Ed “Crime” Brubaker, who turns his crimelight toward YA with this one. It’s VERY good and also “pay what you can,” so go pay what you can (a lot).

CHIP ANSWERS QUESTIONS

Every week I’ll answer one POLITE and RESPECTFUL question about my life as a “writer” or about my erotica. The email is zdarskyletters@gmail.com.

Why am I sad all the time?
-Chip Zdarsky

You know why.

Best,
Chip

OH, ALSO

This is how comics are made now.

Newsletter #25: So, Anything New?

Hello?....

Okay … okay, Chip. You’ve GOT this. It’s a global pandemic so … what’s the tone here? Should I try to be “funny?” Or … or really serious? Or get all … all preachy about staying indoors, like fucking DUH, or—

HONESTLY, NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU THINK

Um, you’re shitting me, yeah? I write COMIC BOOKS. If anyone understands staying indoors, it’s me. I’m like a vampire that gets harmed by daylight but also by moonlight.

HM TRUE. SO … WHAT’S NEW?

Not a lot. I mean, here’s a list of things in my life that are cancelled thanks to this pandemic.

  • group sex in the park

  • solo sex in the Burger King

  • going to the library and shouting “do you know who I am” if I happen to find one of my books on the shelves

  • sex in the library

  • coughing on the baby

  • going to the hospital just for fun and also because I need attention

  • shaking someone’s hand

  • shaking someone’s hand with my mouth to assert dominance or subinance(?) I can never figure that move out but I like it nonetheless

  • comics

WAIT COMICS AREN’T CANCELLED

Okay, that might be an overstatement. But this is the first week since comics were being purchased and traded in the markets of ancient Egypt that “New Comics Day” had no comics from the major companies hitting comic shops. I’m still making comics, because I literally have no other skills besides amateur epidemiology, but the delivery of these comics is delayed.

A lot of comic shops and their employees are hurting, so if you can help them in any way, through online ordering or paying for existing pull files, that would be great. My local shop has a fundraiser to help their staff through this, so if you’re so inclined and able, I’d love it if you chipped in something for them:
https://www.gofundme.com/f/beguiling-pampp-little-island-staff-support-fund

OH YEAH THOSE ARE GOOD PEOPLE

They really are! The Beguiling and Page and Panel are top-notch shops.

And since you just gave them a bunch of money, and there are no new comics out this week, I’ve talked with ComiXology, and we’re going to release the full collection to everyone today, for free.

Yeah, that’s right. For free. It’s a 24-hour offer, so grab it now!

To redeem your code, follow the steps below:

  • Head to go https://www.comixology.com/redeem

  • Sign into your existing account by pressing the “Sign In Button”. (New users can create an account by clicking the “Not a member? Sign up here.” button)

  • Enter the code AFTERLIFT and click “Redeem”.

  • Read it! or don’t! I have no control over events of the world and I accept this fact!!

HUH MAYBE I’LL CHECK IT OUT

Wait … you don’t read my books? You’re my newsletter!

BEEN BUSY

I know for a fact that you haven’t. It’s been weeks since you’ve been out.

PERSONAL STUFF

Hm.

Okay! That’s it for this Very Special Newsletter! Spread this thing around so everyone can grab that free collection! And here’s a nice photo of how I feel all the time! Bye!

Love,
Chip

Newsletter #24: DC MEniverse

Yeah, I got ideas.

WOW WHAT A WEEK EH

The comics world was rocked with the news that the (co?) Publisher of DC Comics, Dan Didio, has been let go. Was it for taking away Superman’s outside underwear and then putting them back like some kind of pervert? Hard to say. But it has stirred up a lot of chatter on the socials about me filling his role. It’s very kind of everyone to think of me for that position, but I’m perfectly happy being freelance and desperately searching for my next paycheck like a wild animal.

But! I do have some ideas for DC if they decide to bring me in as a consultant.

  • Make the blue on Superman’s legs into chaps, so the red underwear is actual underwear like a normal fucking guy

  • You want to really revolutionize secret identities? Make Superman’s secret identity “Batman”.

  • Like a real hawk, Hawkman should be shitting on people.

  • Batman should marry Catwoman

  • We. Need. More. Robins.

  • Aquaman should start calling all dude superheroes “Landman” just to show them how stupid it is.

  • Fire Matt Fraction for making Jimmy Olsen into a fucking joke!!!!

  • Buy “Spiderman.” That character is awesome


WEIRD THEY HAVEN’T OFFERED YOU THE JOB

I know, right?

SO WHAT’S NEW THIS WEEK

Oh, wow, it’s a BIG WEEK! First up, I done drew a book again! SEX CRIMINALS #27 is out and it’s just a delight and also riveting and also you should buy it.

But wait! You can buy my classic REGULAR COVER, or be BOLD and DIFFERENT and get the XXX VARIANT!

Aud Kock really outdid themselves here. It’s an absolutely beautiful cover and also absolutely NSFW so please be careful out there and don’t show any cops it while screaming “YAY SEX CRIMINALS.”

But wait! There’s more!

X-MEN / FANTASTIC FOUR #2 is out today!

It’s beautiful. Just beautiful. And there are exciting bits and saucy bits and it’s a real non-stop issue so I hope all you X-heads and 4-heads out there really enjoy it.

But WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

INVADERS: DEAD IN THE WATER is out today! Our big conclusion, collecting the back-half of our 12-issue run! It is very satisfying if you’re into being satisfied.

The preview image for this collection is 100% accurate. It contains only one extremely thick page. Enjoy!


CHIP ANSWERS QUESTIONS

Every week I’ll answer one POLITE and RESPECTFUL question about my life as a “writer” or about my DC publishing ideas. The email is zdarskyletters@gmail.com.

Dear Chip,

Will you create a fake Matt Fraction out of lollipop sticks for company following the conclusion of sex criminals?

-Glenn


Hi Glenn,

That’s actually not needed as Matt has already sent me a 3-D printed version of himself, giving me constant encouragement.

Cheers,
Chip



Newsletter #23: Demands & Salutations

I just watched PARASITE on a flight and immediately started yelling at everyone in Business Class

Okay, I’m back.

New Zealand was very beautiful. Truly magical.

While I was away, I shrewdly negotiated my new Marvel contract! My following list of demands was fully met and I’m over the moon!

CONTRACT DEMANDS
•get to finally write the real Daredevil and not his clone
•allowed to have Franklin Richards turn to the reader at the end of X-MEN/FANTASTIC FOUR and say “I choose … the fans”
•Jonathan Hickman must make eye contact with me three times at the next Marvel Summit
•Ryan Stegman? Fired
•Get $5 every time I post on twitter “Wow! Ton of great books out this week!”
•Ryan Stegman re-hired and then immediately fired again
•25% off Disney+ subscription
•Editors must begin their multi-page scathing critiques of my scripts with a nice compliment
•The compliment can NOT be “appreciate you only being one week late with this script”
•Can write up to three DC books that do not heavily feature orphans
•Duration of contract: 2 weeks

Life is pretty good!

THAT DOESN’T SOUND VERY GOOD

la la la I can’t hear you

UGH. SO WHAT’S NEW THIS WEEK

Glad you asked! Super excited to have the FINALE of AFTERLIFT out!

The whole team gave it their all on this (even me!) and I think we really managed to stick the landing. The whole thing has been a story about belief and guilt and loving yourself (not in a Sex Criminals way), and I’m really grateful to Comixology for letting us tell the story.

I did an interview at CBR about it! Check it out! Or don’t! I’m not your mother!

Also out this week is DAREDEVIL 18! The final part of our THROUGH HELL arc! Jorge is back and delivers a really stunning issue with Nolan on colours. Everything explodes. EVERYTHING.

WOW, TWO COMICS. YOU’RE A REAL MACHINE

Hey! I’m also illustrating Sex Criminals! I’m a day away from being finished colouring issue 28! Three more issues to go! Weird!

This is the only sequence I can post without spoiling anything.

We’re looking for MORE letters for our award-considered letters page! So keep sending them in to emailthesexcriminals@gmail.com and Mr. Matt Fraction will solve all your problems and probably create a few new ones.

ALSO!

I was on JAY & MILES X-PLAIN THE X-MEN! We talked about a bunch of stuff, but mostly X-MEN / FANTASTIC FOUR and I kind of forget what I said because I recorded it while in New Zealand, topless and sweltering in a closed room so the sound would be good because I am a professional.

CHIP ANSWERS QUESTIONS

Every week I’ll answer one POLITE and RESPECTFUL question about my life as a “writer” or about my hot tubbin’. The email is zdarskyletters@gmail.com.

As we approach the 100th anniversary of his death, what are your thoughts on the passing of English physicist Norman Lockyer, co-discoverer of helium?

-Mark Waid

Thanks for the thoughtful question, Mark.

Best,
Chip

OH, ALSO

I think Siri accidentally gave me the first two lines for my new movie script?

Newsletter #22: Fantastic Four Vs. Fantastic ...200,000?

Honestly it doesn't seem very fair

Okay, so, I’m still on “holiday,” which means this will be another short newsletter. Obviously I’m having the time of my life.

WOW TOUGH LIFE CHIP WE ALL FEEL SORRY FOR YOU

Good! Thank you!

SO WHAT’S NEW YOU FUCKING SADSACK

Thanks for asking! It’s kind of a big week comic wise! We have the debut of X-MEN/FANTASTIC FOUR, featuring STUNNING art from TERRY & RACHEL DODSON and LAURA MARTIN!

I was a HUGE fan of FANTASTIC FOUR VS. X-MEN, the miniseries from ‘87, so I pitched this project as a spiritual sequel to that after hearing Jonatahn Hickman’s X-Men pitch at a Marvel retreat, which I didn’t understand but pretended I did.

This may be the first time I’ve worked on something that has BIG CAPITAL-R REPERCUSSIONS FOR THE MARVEL UNIVERSE (WHICH ISN’T REAL), so that’s a thing.

Anyway, here’s the cover! And my title pages that I got to design! I hope you enjoy it! Like, for real!

WOW YOU ARE GOING TO RUIN THE X-MEN COOL

Yeah, probably.

SO WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON

Oh boy! DAREDEVIL 17 is out! Jorge Fornes joins the team again and delivers one hell of an issue.

Is it good?

WOW SO COCKY SO FULL OF YOURSELF

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

GOODBYE

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